moe-tif

So, I’m perusing my favorite website, Poet’s Workshop.  I happen upon a poet with two requests.  Both are for poems/prayers for two children, one a boy, 11 years old, one a girl, 12 years old.  Both children are fighting for their lives due to cancer.  As I read about them I think, wow….as a mother of 4, I thank God that my girls are all healthy and I pray that they stay that way.  Can you imagine as a parent how horrible that must feel?  To wake up heavy hearted thinking this might be the day you have to say goodbye.  And, what about these kids….to have to fight for their lives…in their case, to have to fight just to have the chance at life.  They’re not supposed to be thinking about things like this…yet, they have no choice.  While other kids are out playing….these two (and many more) are looking forward to hospital visits/stays, procedures, medicines….makes me so very sad.  Makes me really take a look at life and realize that there truly is no room for the petty.  My God….I have to wake up.  How precious are we, each and every one.  We all start the same; we go thru what we go thru to get to who we are.  To be angry, negative, to belittle each other…what a sad, sad way to behave and think.  Whatever your belief system, does it seem right to you to judge each other?  Really?  Think hard about how you are treating people…is this our destiny, our legacy to leave behind?  That we judged and hurt one another?  And for what, what do we gain from this?  Meanwhile, we have placed ourselves in a swirling mess of negative energy, anger and hate and we wonder why things aren’t how we’d like in our lives.  If we meditate on thinking maliciously about one another…what do we expect?  That which we focus on is that which will focus right back on us.  Their really is a great deal of personal responsibility that must be taken here.  Stop wondering why things are “always” going the opposite of what you desire….even if you think you live right and treat others right, it’s my belief that for everything that goes wrong (or right), it truly is our own ultimate responsibility.  So, when you find yourself forgetting how unique you are and opt to think badly or do badly toward another…imagine fighting for your next breath, for another second, minute, day.  Why do you want to waste that which is not guaranteed….time? 

Ashley young sir,

There’s a place deep inside us,

A place of courage and strength.

You reach in there, go on,

And I know you will find,

Your valiance will get you through this.

You’re surrounded by love,

Those you know and those you don’t know,

We’re all pulling for you to carry on.

My valiant young soldier,

Keep your chin up,

You’re much stronger than you even imagine.

It’s said we can move mountains,

Did you know you could do that?

Just visualize your greatest wish.

Now, for a moment young sir,

Come with me and envision,

A place where magic resides…

Close your eyes and “see”,

You’re standing in a valley,

Green and lush and alive!

There are trees big and tall,

Flowers so abundant,

And animals all around.

This magical place,

this place is inside you,

it’s where you can go to rest.

Breathe deep the cool air,

Let your body be calmed,

As you and God commune.

We all can go here, away from the noise,

A place to rest and find peace.

Sanctuary is just a thought away.

Gather your strength,

You are never alone,

And young sir, you…are going to be alright.

So, I looked up your name, Kylie it is…

such a beautiful name you do have.

I found that your name is Irish and Gaelic,

And “graceful” is what is defined!

And I thought, although I’ve never met you I know,

that it feels though this name is a perfect fit…

for a twelve year old girl who’s been bravely fighting,

an illness that’s been very tough.

I, in my mind’s eye, see a girl, who has kept her humor intact,

A girl who has been resilient, yet remains gentle,

A child who’s had to grow up too quick,

But can still see wonder in the world.

Young lady, you are, never doubt, one I admire,

For I know that at times this has been hard,

 I look up to you, inspired I am,

And I pray that you will stay strong.

So breathe deeply and take a moment, eyes closed.

Imagine the best place in the world!

When it gets hard, know that this place you envision,

God has put inside for you to go and rest…

Go there, let yourself be strengthened,

You’ll be ok, know that you can do anything!

And this I say to you, dear young soul,

I pray for you and I wish you healing…

I am humbled because children like you give perspective

To that which is truly important…

I’ll go now and hug my own little dear ones,

And I’ll blow kisses in the wind for your heart to catch…

I have a memory, vivid and clear…
It’s monsoon season and race day.
I’m at the starting line, swallowing my fear,
Butterflies swirling in my belly won’t go away…

I’ve trained long and hard for this the final race…
The training has been thorough, though rough.
The strategy is to maintain a controlled pace,
Mile after mile I must stay tough…

There is this one girl, quite my competitor,
We’ve been head to head all season
I want so badly to win, to beat her,
To be the best is all the reason.

We have deep respect for one another,
She and I have raced over the years.
And this, our senior year is the time to prove to each other,
The anticipation almost brings me to tears…

The rain starts to fall as we take our mark
The gun is poised and ready,
The clouds above have made the day dark
The smell of the storm is quite heady…

He fires the gun and we begin our run,
Three miles to go, seems so distant!
The razorbacks I consider fun,
But the hills, oh man, pain consistent!

Something’s happening, not sure what it is,
Could it be I’m enjoying this race?
I feel in control, thinking well through this,
I’m in charge, dag, what a suuuuweeeet pace!

Maybe it’s this storm, rainin down on my head,
Oh I don’t know but, it’s electrifying!
Rather than pain, I’m feeling joy instead,
And, this run, yes!, it’s satisfying!

We round a bend, we’re truly racing,
The end is just a sprint away…
It feels like this one is mine for the taking,
Yes, indeed, this is my day…

I reach the tape and I thrust my body through,
I beat her, oh man, I’m proven best…
The months of training have spoken true.
I’ve earned a break, I deserve a rest.

What’s more, I realized a lesson well needed,
This day of all days, this race most essential.
My heart’s desires my body has heeded,
I’ve learned to trust I can reach my full potential.

To let myself go, to trust all my toil,
Has proven oh so rewarding,
All I need do, is let my feet hit the soil,
Let my body dance and my soul sing.

damn, it’s late…omigod…i have to get up in 2 hours and whisk children off to school, to sitters and then…sigh…work…but, before i turn in i had to get on here and write a lil somin somin…(how the hell do you spell that?).  i logged onto Scribeme’s site and was blown away…and something inside me spoke up…maybe that still small voice i’ve been told we all have…?  anyway, i hear this voice say…see, we are all trying to stay awake, but not in the physical sense…in the spiritual feel good, be connected to one another, creative, growing, wonderful kind of way…you know…like when you are standing in a line waiting for what seems like forever to get to someplace you don’t really want to go…as you’re standing there you happen to see an old woman and an old man smile a lover’s smile at one another…one of those smiles that they think only they are a part of, yet…you saw it and you realize, so did the other impatient souls waiting in this line…something happens…the air lifts just a bit…just enough for you to feel like grinning at the person behind you and…omigosh, that person returns the grin!  something subtle yet so profound…when strangers can be good to one another, if only for a moment…when someone you don’t know looks you in the eye as you pass and sends a good will message, just with a look…and you feel it deeply enough to cause a skip in your step…i dunno, maybe i’m rambling…ok, yes…i’m rambling but, after the kind of awful negativity i’ve been feeling, it was really good to read something like what Sir Scribe wrote…

I need a good scouring of my soul…

I need to shake out my spirit and rid myself of my sins…

I’ve done things I regret,

I’ve spoken hurtful words…

I’ve thought such judgmental thoughts…

I wish that I were able to start again, fresh…

My guilt over the damage I’ve caused others is overbearing…

How do I start again? 

And please, I beg that no one advise me to accept Jesus as my Savior…

This will not cleanse my memories…

I don’t even know if I believe this concept…

At this point in my life, I’m dealing with hypocrisies in others…

Which only serve to remind me of my own hypocrisy…

It is my belief that what you see so clearly as wrong in another is that,

Which is evident in your own being.

So, while I struggle at my anger toward these other people,

I also struggle with my anger at myself. 

There is a better way to be, there is a better way to treat each other.

What’s stopping us?

What’s stopping me?

what’s it take to feel dislike for someone?  i mean, why is it that we find ourselves disliking a person when, quite honestly, we don’t even know that person?  it’s one thing if someone hurts you in some way…ok, i can see dislike happening there.  but, what if your disdain stems simply because he or she is just a bit…different than you…are you sure you dislike him or is it possible that you envy his difference, you are jealous of his unique approach or manner of being…what if she is really a very nice individual and you’ve written her off because she doesn’t do things your way?  well, have you tried it her way?  maybe you’ll find it to be a better way?  i think we write each other off to quickly and for such petty reasons….what if that person we so quickly judged really had something to offer you?  damn…you just lost a potential friend, a potential team member, a potential teacher…wait, but maybe you can still learn something from this…maybe you’ll learn the value of looking for more in a person than someone to scapegoat your unfulfilled wishes and dreams…work on your own sadness, stop pushing it onto another person to carry so you don’t have to focus on it…focus on it dammit and grow!  isn’t that what we’re here for?

so, there’s this…guy…i’ll refer to him as…Himself (a.k.a. Mr. Big)…i’m so interested in him and i’ve tried to convey this in witty, intelligent banter and coy little flirtations…sometimes he responds and there seems to be an interest…more often however i get…nothin, zip, zilch, nada…i know he’s extremely focused, very busy…but damn, how can anyone be so…unaware?  it’s not that he’s rude, not at all…he just seems to be in his own world, his own head with his own agenda…an agenda that he will not be distracted from for anything!  perhaps this is where my interest stems?  he’s hard to get…so, my interest is piqued…pretty damn irritating…especially when i make the decision to let go this silly crush, only to run into him and notice the color of his shirt and the tan that suits him so well…dammit!  i…must….be…strong!  i mean, what a waste of energy if nothing is going to materialize…although, i need to clarify something…i’m not looking for a father figure or my next husband…i’ve done the married thing…not till my kids are grown and out the house will i chance that adventure again…and, as for a father figure…as a single momma…i’m tougher than most men are when it comes to my kids, maybe because i’ve had to overcompensate the lack of man in my home…my girls know i mean business and i don’t want to make adjustments for another person’s idea on childrearing…so, all i’m in need of (and yes, the term “need” does apply)is a man with whom i can go to a movie, or dinner or, whatever else comes along…even if only to go for a walk and laugh my ass off…conversate intelligently…there’s no replacing a good man for those kinds of activities…sigh…

maybe i’ll trip him next time we pass one another…i’ll get his attention then!!!!  of course, i chance a restraining order if this is the only way to get him to notice me…nah, i’ll just distract myself with entries in this lovely journal/blog of mine….