moe-tif

my friend has these tickets to a wine tasting…at the last minute, her date plans fall through, so, she calls me and asks if i’d like to go…i hem and haw that it’s too last minute, blah, blah….but, because i’m not having such a great time with the folks and because her kids are old enough to watch mine for a bit, i decide, ok, let’s go.  i get to her house, we quickly make ourselves cute and we take off for this event…i’m nervous, i’ve never been to something like this…i’m second guessing my clothes, my hair (i’d just cut my bangs that morning…a bit too short but, it is what it is…), anyway, i’m always hard on myself and so things like this are tough on me due to my lack of confidence (i’m workin on it), basically, i just want to fit in…after trying a few wines, i’m feeling more at ease…my friend and i are talking to a gentleman who owns his own vineyard and is displaying his wines, which, by the way, are excellent.  as we’re talking, i’m distracted by what looks like a white thread on his collar…it becomes too much for me to resist so, i reach to pull it off…but, to my horror, this is not a white thread…it’s attached to his skin and there’s not a damn thing i can do to distract from what i’ve just done…since i pulled on it, it caused a slight stinging sensation which in turn caused his face to turn red, not unlike that red zin we tasted earlier on…he proceeds to pull it out of his neck, which really doesn’t do much for my absolute embarrassment…and my friend, she’s about to turn purple holding her laughter in…gawwwwwwwwd!  i don’t even know this guy…what possessed me to do something so familiar as to reach over to pull this lone strand of hair?  eesh…when we left the place, i joined in my friend’s laughter because, quite frankly, what else can i do?  again….GAWWWWWWWWWWWD!   

Before you can love another you must love yourself.  Before you can honor another, honor yourself.  There is a misconception that this is somehow vain.  I challenge this misconception.  There is no vanity in that when you honor yourself, you honor that greater Someone from whom we are all born.  You honor the creativity that it took to create you, wonderful, sacred, unique…you.  It’s a theory of mine that if we were to awaken from this dream in which we are living, if just for a moment, we would be amazed at the light around us, the light emanating from each of us.  That light is there even if we cannot see it with the senses we allow ourselves to use.  If we saw that we are all connected by this light, how could we allow ourselves to hurt another?  How could a woman allow a man to abuse her?  How could a man bring himself to?  How could we as humans allow for war, hunger and pain to exist?  We wouldn’t.  It begins with one…first, honor thyself.

if my life is going to mean something, if i’m going to really make a difference and live a memorable life, i must take on that EVERYTHING is a choice…and that ultimately, fundamentally, i am responsible for every piece of joy, pain, every lesson, every consequence…i have a choice in how i take in and how i apply all that happens to me, around me, because of me…when this realization really sets in, really takes hold, i will then know real power and it will be of the most simple kind…sincere and quiet yet providing a joy, opening a door to such happiness that i will shout out my excitement…i will revel in my newly found, yet ancient freedom…it is ancient in that i have carried it in me for lifetimes…it has been mine/ours forever, infinity….joy is our birthright, exploration of our souls is our responsibility and the door to great things…these great things have always been in our possession, we’ve just been conditioned to think it as either nonexistent or unreachable…this is a fallacy, an untruth…we’ve made rules to keep ourselves in line so that we do not reach our fullest potential, we’ve created gods to control our thoughts and keep our spirits down, we’ve bought into the misconception that the races are set up in some kind of caste system, that females are subservient to males, that some people are less than others, that God is somehow beyond our grasp…why?….what were we afraid of?  what are we afraid of now?  more and more science is opening our minds…proving what religion never could but spirituality always has…that we are one with something so much greater and all the more great for our presence…we are so powerful…majestic in our humility, strong where we perceive weakness, amazing in our simplicity…and all this brings me back to me…i am getting closer, yet i’ve got a long way to go…but that’s ok…in fact, that’s exciting…what great things will i learn…oh, wait, let me rephrase/explain:  i’ve found that when something really hits me, excites me and makes sense it’s not because it’s new to me, no, rather it’s because a part of me finds the familiarity of what is being presented exciting…it’s as though a truth i’ve always known but kept hidden is suddenly brought to the forefront to be oohed and awwwed at…i believe that we must do that which sings to us, to our spirits…this is our job, our choice…so that we may show each other our place in something greater….which brings me back to the beginning of this crazy smattering of babble…it’s all choice but it’s the most important choice…it’s the choice that will bring me to who i really am….what else is there?

this is a phrase i grew up listening…translated it means, “when the devil has nothing to do, he kills flys.” my mother said this alot, in a wise sagelike kind of way. as a child, i would nod my head in agreement, although i never really understood why she’d say it. for some reason, it felt like a good way to start this post which is about that place i left not too long ago. i’m almost completely detoxed but, i still get hooked when i hear about the stupid things they do and say. for a moment, i want to digress and share a bit of good news. remember my friend, the one that was being treated so badly by the department she was working in? well, she’s found herself a kick ass job and she is very happy. she isn’t around a bunch of insecure children disguised as adults and she’s been given a fair chance to learn the job and excel at it. wow, and somehow, at this new place….she’s not been labeled as dense or stupid. makes me wonder who the dense one really was? perhaps the people who labeled her should have pointed the finger at themselves…
and now those very same people want to keep another friend of mine from receiving her money because she didn’t fill out a form that all of a sudden they want done right? try to use the excuse that forms weren’t done right…but we know the real reason…you are such a power monger that any chance that comes along for you to hold something over on someone, you’ll take it. gaaaawwwwd how pathetic.  yuck…your department is angry and toxic and it’s due to you….you…you. your company lacks the concept of customer service and you treat your people like expendable items you can toss to the way side…
karma, karma, karma…

nuf said…

i respect those that go to college…same as i respect those that don’t go to college.  whether they go or not has nothing to do with my respect for them…who they are as a person, that will determine where they stand in my eyes.  now, there are those who have gone to college who feel that because they’ve achieved a degree, they are somehow better than those of us who’ve only gone and didn’t achieve a degree or those that haven’t gone at all.  those are the same folk who are reading this and thinking, “why doesn’t she write correctly and use caps when appropriate?”  (anyway)…in fact, there’s one guy in particular who makes comments that seem to insinuate that those who’ve chosen not to seek a higher education in the classroom are somehow less than those that have.  here’s what i have to say to him…i bet you i make as much as you do and i haven’t yet received my degree.  hell, who knows if i ever will…it’s a lot of work and time and quite honestly, i already work too hard and i never have enough time.  i know people who haven’t gone to college and buddy, they are kicking ass in the earnings department so, if you are putting yourself on some self proclaimed pedestal…get the fuck off…oh, but i’ve got more to say on the subject…

i have a close friend who is right now pursuing a degree…she kicks ass.  she works hard and i’m very proud of her…i say, good for you girl!  she never looks down on people and has a heart of gold…the difference between her and this idiot genius college grad is, she realizes that we all make our own choices and we live with what those choices bring.  this is not to say, however, that we have any fucking business judging another person because they made a different choice than we did.  to walk around looking down on others, well…i take that to mean that while you’ve gone to college and achieved your degree….you are inept where it really counts and that is on the level of being a decent human being…

and, one more thing…i may not have a degree…some of my friends may not have stepped onto the sacred college ground…but i damn sure know how to apologize when i’ve gone out of line in a comment i’ve made…this takes grace and responsibility…something you don’t learn in college…this is something you possess, either naturally or because you learned it in another valid arena…life.  stop thinking that degree replaces character…it doesn’t….you’ve got more learning to do…

I did it…I told my ex the truth finally.  I mean, I kind of told him the truth the other night.  The other night I told him it was important to me that we be friends.  But, I didn’t really put the hammer down and straight up say that I didn’t want to be in a full on committed relationship with him.  Coward, yeah, I was.  I had it in my head that I would break his heart because I know that he wants to be with me.   Tonite, I called him and laid it out there…I told him that I didn’t want to be his ”pareja”.  He asked me to repeat myself because he either didn’t hear me or he didn’t believe me.  I repeated it…I told him that I needed to focus on myself and that while I treasure our friendship…I don’t want to be his girlfriend. 

Y…you called me on this last we talked.  You read me too well…makes me mad but, in the end, I’m grateful…. 

we are brought up to have goals…we are brought up to go after what we want and to do what it takes to achieve…things….examples; fame, money, power, promotion, etc, etc…what if the paradigm we were brought up in was simplified?  what if we simply took on the goal of being the best human being we could be?  this is not to be scoffed at, i think we are sorely lacking in this area…what kid have you heard say, “when i grow up i want to be a good person”?  this to me is a very valid goal…why not?  why not strive to be the best human being you can be?  if your focus is on learning about yourself from very young…who’s to say that the rest of your life won’t fall into place just beautifully? 

just a thought….

so, i’m standing in the kitchen at work and i’m thinking, something i am always doing, analyzing, overanalyzing, theorizing…etc, etc…anyway, a light bulb goes off in my head…now, to some of you, this light bulb is old hat, you’ve realized this and have skipped along your merry way on your path of enlightenment…this to me is an epiphany

one of my hero’s is the Dalai Lama…here’s a guy who is so at peace with himself, his friends and what you or i would consider his enemies…i mean, my god, the chinese have all but decimated his people, yet, you will never hear the Dalai Lama talk badly about them…i sense in him compassion and it shakes my world…how, how does one have compassion for such evil doers?!  and then, yesterday it occurs to me…karma being what it is, there is no escaping what we do, good or bad, we are given the consequences of our actions, tarde o temprano, sooner or later…so, in essence, if we do a bad thing to someone, we are also, indirectly doing this bad thing to ourselves, and, if i take this thought a step forward i might even find a tunnel right out of my own self imposed sense of being victim…to explain - someone cuts me off on the road…yes, he cut me off and yes, i feel a moment of anger, fear, offense…but, i am afforded an opportunity, i needed dude to cut me off because i need to get hold of my reactions…i am not a victim here and not only that, i am not the person he is doing this action to, rather, i am the person he’s doing this action for…he’s the one karma’s gonna take care of, and i’m the one called upon to find some compassion for him…

hmmmm…..

i wish sleep wasn’t a necessity…i wish that we could decide when and how much sleep to have, like a priviledge we allow ourselves after a job well done, “hmmm, i’ve worked for a good 3 days and nights now on that piece, i think i should treat myself to a couple hours of deep, wonderful sleep!”……i’ve got so much i want to do and so much i want to explore, but, i can’t because i’m so damn tired all the time!  dammit!