moe-tif

…to stand in my fear of losing, again…and find, for the first time, love.  He’s out there…he’s on his way and when he arrives, he will be right on time and he will be more than I thought possible…he will find his place in my heart and he will be unafraid of my passion, my intensity, my softness, my strength and my vulnerability.  He will feel safe in my heart and I will cherish him, protect him, and revel in his strength and capabilities, I will understand his faults and I will stand with him when he is vulnerable…this is what I want, this is love.

she lay on her bed reminiscing the night before….oh, the jolt in her tummy was a clear indictation that he had moved her to levels she wouldn’t soon forget…she smiled and thought of a year ago….her heart had been so hurt, she’d walked thru life considering herself a victim and a lost cause…a year later, who would have thought that a sweet memory from her past would walk back into her world and awaken the woman she had let fall asleep…this was like nothing she had ever felt, yet, it was what she’d always been, what had been inside bursting to step forward and “be”…he was just the catalyst she’d starved for…the Universe had seen fit and their paths had again crossed…how far things went…well, this wasn’t a consideration at the moment…certainly not compared to how far her spiritual well being had already come…she stood in the glow and marveled at the warmth of her joy…the ease of her smile and the sense of calm that had overtaken her…if only she could hang on to this being into which she’d so sweetly stepped into…if only…agendas were an easy fall to take…the only fall that interested her at this moment was the one that took it’s own sweet time…the one that had nothing to do with her hands delving into the mix…the kind of unraveling that occurs when people allow life to flow and have the courage to follow where the Universe might lead…

So, we at ACORN put on a Candidate’s Forum for the three candidates running for House of Representatives, District 18.  We invited Tammy Pursley (D), Marc Anderson (R) and Russell Pearce (R).  All three accepted the invite and confirmed.  For weeks members of ACORN knocked on doors, passed out fliers, made phone calls…all in an effort to inform the community and get folks out to the Forum.  Over 300 people showed up.  WOW!  This was a resounding success for us.  The goal was to have people from the community come out and ask the candidates questions.  This way, when these people go to vote, they will have an informed vantage point.  Guess who didn’t show up.  Yup…Russell Pearce.  Guess he was just too busy?  But wait…he confirmed he could make it.  He said he would be there yet, he wasn’t there.  OK, so, if he can blow off over 300 people so easily, what else does he take for granted?  On what other occasions has he said one thing and then done another?  What does this display of disrespect tell me?  Tells me that I, as a member of the district he represents, don’t matter.  Straight up, no bones about it.  I’m not rich enough.  I’m not married with children enough (single mama, four kids).  I’m too Latina…I’m simply not good enough.  Yet…guess what.  I’m not the only one who isn’t “enough” and my hopes are that enough of us will realize that this man is not representing us, not in the least.  My hopes are that our numbers will grow and that we will be enough to vote this arrogant man right out of office.  It’s time he was held accountable for the disdain  he shows his own constituents. 

…but, i get why so many do….i get it, but i won’t let it stop me from pushing.  last night i was at an action at which we gathered folks together and we talked about what needed to be done to implement speed bumps in their neighborhood….we (acorn) worked our asses off and got speakers, telemundo and listeners together in the front yard of an individual tired of people speeding down her street…amazing what i heard….people are so resigned, they are angry and they are voicing their anger.  apparently, the issue of speed bumps has been brought up time and time again, yet, there are none on this street and blame for this inaction is pointed towards the fire department and the government.  petitions have been signed (3 times) yet, nothing has been done….so, my question is this…if you (the angry member of the community) can ask the city councilman/woman what the value is of a child’s life and why they can’t put forth the funds to set up speed bumps…may i ask, and with all due respect, what is the value of a child’s life in comparison to your time and effort?  you said you filled out 3 petitions but to no avail…so….fill out 4, 5, 6…whatever it takes…go to the meetings and find out what it takes to be productive…stop yelling and spouting your anger and find out the procedures that make things happen…don’t like the procedures?  find out what you can do to change them…after all….this is your country…your government…to yell and berate people because you feel them wrong, wrong, wrong…in the long run, does nothing.  however, quiet yourself a moment…listen…when you speak, speak from a place of passionate resolve rather than angry apathy…my fellow american…your views, thoughts and opinions do matter…present them with dignity and tenacious resolve and by God…you’ll make a difference…to stand at a gathering speaking with anger only brings more anger and ultimate ineffectiveness…i want to be effective…i ask that you be too….

We are created in His image not by way of the physical but, fundamentally, by way of the Spirit.  We are the result of a great, creative explosion.  We were created as an expression of a need, a need to know Himself.  We are Him, He is us.  Thru us, She knows pain, love, joy, sadness, hate…and on, and on.  Thru us, They are able to know Their own existence and, thru us, They are able to cherish Their own being.  Thru US.  We, in turn, express ourselves in much the same way.  We are happiest when we create our destinies rather than waiting for fate to decide who we are, how far we can go, what we are capable of.  If one considers truly the depth of our own power, if one not only considers but revels in discovering the profundity that is Us, this is the crossing over then into fully honoring our Creator.  Before we can love another, honor another, cherish another…we must first love, honor and cherish OURSELVES.  There is nothing vain about this.  It is my opinion that by ignoring our own wonderfulness, we commit a grave sin.  Think about it for a moment.  We are art.  We are a creation made with love and excitement.  How can we then turn around and look upon ourselves with anything but amazement and love?  How do you tell a painter that a work he has put his heart and soul into is unworthy and ugly?  Makes no sense to me.  
Christ said, “As I do, so you shall and more.”  He also said, ”the Kingdom of Heaven is within You.”  I think I’ll take his words into my heart without the help of any church that teaches I am unworthy.  Somehow, I doubt that my brother wanted to happen what has happened due to his presence on this planet.  I believe he was looking for us to be our own Saviours.  Thank you my brother.  Next time I ask myself, ”What would Jesus do?”, I’ll smile and take a listen to the still, small voice God placed inside when He/She/They breathed life into me.   

She’d had such a bad week.  Seemed that everywhere she turned, she was presented with bad news, bad vibes, bad….everything.  Then, when it seemed things couldn’t get worse, she took one more turn around, got hit with another blow and wished she could just disappear for awhile.  So, she wallowed.  Treated herself to one, two, three glasses of wine.  She sat on the couch and cried watching, of all things, Bernie Mac.  Crazy, but she was a mess.  And then, he called, right on time.  He asked to see her and she said yes.  The minute her eyes rested on him, it was as though his presence was a salve for the wounds that were open within her.  He simply calmed her spirit and this was a treasured release from the anxiety she’d been nursing for the past few days.  They sat and chatted, laughed easily and enjoyed one another.  She knew her heart and knew that she was more invested than he….yet, his honesty over his true feelings validated in her that while she might want more…for awhile, this was enough.  He was right on time and for this woman barely learning the value of living in the moment, she was doing just that…living in the moment and finding bliss in the lack of expectation.        

i was at least 15 before i started talking back to my parents…looking back, i should have held myself in check more often than not…my mother cursed me around, i believe, when i was 16…she said, “un dia, tus hijos te van a tratar como tu nos tratas.”  in other words…my kids are going to do me like i did my folks…years later, the first part of the curse came to pass…i gave birth to not one, not two….four girls…four….dear god….

the oldest began cutting her eyes at me at age 9…age 10 she started the shoulder slouch, eyes looking everywhere but at my face, hand sometimes on her hip…latter part of 10 and now close to 12, the child crossed over into the realm of talking back…this consists of a variety of attitude filled modes when relating to me, the evil, cursed…momma…she whines when instructed to do something she feels is beneath her, she argues my points, she grits her teeth while speaking to me, her eyes roll back into her head, she ignores me and then says she didn’t hear me…even if i spoke right into her ear…she has even slammed her door a time or two…ooooh, this one almost pushes me over the edge…i find myself so riled up i want to smack her upside her head…i’ve thrown my shoe now twice…and missed, she’s blessed with cat like reflexes.  i’ve yelled, i’ve screamed, i’ve threatened, hell…i’ve walked out a couple of times, come back in, poured myself a glass of wine and gone back out again, there are times i want to go screaming into the night…i’ve almost, almost succumbed and put the curse on her…i’m holding this one in reserve…

now, the four year old, who idolizes her big sister, is talking back to me…granted, it’s mostly jibberish, but the body language is unmistakeable…i suspect the baby too has talked back to me, however, her gross motor skills are not developed to the point where she can roll her head at me without falling down…it might not be too late for her to be stopped…

so, what i’ve found is, when i take the emotion out and simply hand down the consequence/punishment after the oldest acts up…i’m still faced with high pitched whining, knashing of teeth, barely controlled convulsions and bitter anger…however…my energy isn’t depleted to the point of my wanting to curl up in a fetal position…the trick is to catch my emotions before they spew forth…this is very difficult…i’m a hot tempered latina chick…in my house growing up, plenty of shoes were thrown (my mother had the arm of a world series pitcher…there was serious heat in those throws, i caught one once in the kidney…yeah…ow), glass would crack (due to my momma screaming at decibels no human being has ever screamed at, i don’t doubt many a bat falling dead from the sky on those nights), we were smacked upside the head so many times…i know what i know…but, i think this is the key…indifference displayed, even while my insides are in tumult…no emotions must be allowed to cross over my face…i must demonstrate herculean control and adopt a consistent way of raising these kids…if not, i can see myself placing the curse upon my girls…i don’t want to do that…i will not do that…i’ll send them to boot camp first…

no doubt…parenting is the hardest freakin job out there…

i have a lot of love in me…i’m so fed up with handing it out to the unworthy…that’s what i’ve done in the past, more than once…somewhere along the way, something happened…not sure when or why but, i have hooked up with some real winners in my time…sarcasm drips as i type…it’s taken a lot of years and a lot of pain…a lot of suffering and a lot of second guessing…but, i am finally at a point where i am not going to fucking tolerate the mistreatment…no more…i’m a good woman with a lot of good lovin left in her…a big heart just waiting for the right man to step in, have a seat and make himself at home…a man with the balls to stand up to me, the heart and soul to love me, tolerate my goofiness, the stamina to keep up with me, the wherewithal to see thru my bullshit, the spirit to share in my own search, etc., etc., etc. i’ve gotten a taste of this good lovin from someone i never expected would pass my way…since this revelation into what is possible…i can’t see myself going back to what i’ve settled for…key words…”settled for”…my heart is aching….sigh…he’s out there…i just hope he can recognize me…what’s more…i hope i recognize him…

So, I take my 11 year old to K-Mart…ghetto store for the not so well off (hehehe…not so well off, yeah).  School starts tomorrow and Sarah has it in her head that she’ll just die if she is forced to wait for the first day to find out what the teacher wants her students to have.  So, I set out twenty bucks…this is the limit.  She roles her eyes.  I try to justify the limit, but, her eyes continue rolling and her shoulders slump.  I give up and head towards the school supply aisle.  There are sales!  Yes! I head directly for those racks.  Sarah, however, heads directly for the items that are selling full price.  I again explain to her that, 1.  We are just getting the basics today, that once the first day comes and goes, we will receive a note from the teacher detailing exactly what she wants her students to have.  2.  Red pens are not necessary the first day, what are you going to be checking.  and, 3.  I get paid Tuesday, suck it up.  Eyes roll further back in her head, whites are showing…shoulders slumping closer to the ground.  Good God.  I decide to load up the cart with what I think is necessary;  Pencils: 10 for $0.79, DOG binder: regularly $5.99-today $3.99, Pack of binder paper: 100 sheets for $0.99, Elmers glue: $0.99, eraseable markers: (omigod, i have to have these or i’ll die!) $3.99…finally, the end all be all must have….back pack:  $18.99 - on sale for $11.47 (all black, hangs from the shoulders just right, to below the knees…Sarah’s words, “ok, this is cool” said in the most indifferent voice possible.  I am so proud of my thriftiness.  Sarah however sighs throughout the experience.  She mutters under her breath when I tell her no, put that back, or no, don’t touch that or, no, I am not spending $35.00 on a back pack just because it has a freaking water bottle attached to it!  I did learn a valuable lesson today.  Why explain to my child…anything?  I am not cool.  I make no sense.  And, “Oh my God…like, Mom, are you serious?” is probably the most animated she will get with me for the next 3 to 4 years.  So, I’ve just got to do the best I can and forget trying to make her understand.  Why waste my energy? 

…aah, these little, precious moments…they are what remind me of what i’m struggling, striving for…a hug from my four year old, a deep talk with my 11 year old, a stream of conciousnessness from my 3 year old…and there’s more…a long, deep kiss with a man i knew, lost touch with and met again, an open conversation with a best friend, or in my case (lucky, lucky me) several best friends….these moments are but a fraction of all that is possible…i am so blessed!  i must, despite the struggles and the sense of disappointment over my life not being the fairy tale i’d always wanted…i am so, so blessed!