moe-tif

sometimes i’ve got it down…
the con job runs full circle,
i have myself believing i’m getting all
i need…
then, it happens…
too much time passes with nothing…
although the too much time isn’t really that long,
it’s long enough…
to realize…
daaaaammmnnnn….
i did it again…
i conned myself into thinking
half ass
was more than enough…
what he wants, what he craves…
is somehow, what i’m ok with…
yet…it hits with painful quickness…
he wants everything and gets it…
i want everything…yet i accept pieces…
i’ve yet to have everything,
everything on my terms…
i’m so tired of pushing down the hurt
this realization summons…
so tired…

just read a blog post by one helluva writer, www.oddpotty.blogspot.com , i am totally inspired…here is my response which i would’ve left on his blog if i could remember my doggone password…

in light of all the crazy fanatics running around this world claiming that their’s is the one true way to God, and all who do not take this on must die, die, die!…here’s what i think…

what we need is for the crazy folk to get their way and annihilate themselves right on outta here…problem is, the sane and non-violent get caught in the middle…severly unfair is this…
the end is near…the rapture is right around the corner…the second coming is on it’s way…and when that day comes, hallelujah and amen…it’s my guess that the long awaited One will be shaking Her head at the stupidity of those religious “leaders”…She’ll pass around a blunt and tell everyone to chill, put on a little music, and the only time She’ll ask that we put our hands up will be when the music calls for it…awwww shit…am i being sacriligous? fuck it…it’s my almost humble opinion that sacrilige was invented the first time a dude stood up and said, follow me or die! so sad really…we’ve placed human characteristics upon our Creative Source and then claimed Him/Her/They to be solely ours…does no one realize the many, many contradictions born from this mode of thinking? God is much more…how can we minimize His wondrousness by making Him/Her/They jealous, murderous, vengeful, etc, etc, etc….all these are not aligned with Spirit…c’mon people, wake up…

truth be told…i don’t want for anyone to kill anyone…crazy or not…i want them all to see the Light they claim they have sole rights to…they think they see the light but what they really see is a delusional glimmer coming from a light bulb hanging in a dingy basement surrounded by henchmen with titles like, “Pride”, “Self-Righteous”, “Hate”, “Judgment”, “Intolerence” and so on…fanatics worldwide are intent on either convincing everyone to believe in their religion or, they just want to kill everyone…contradictions all over the place…if God is securely in one’s heart…let the world be…lead by example not by destroying other belief systems…the mode of thinking held by the fanatics of this world would be almost laughable were it not for the tragedies that have over and over (and over) stemmed from such false concepts….

i dunno…maybe i’m a fallen soul who’s day is coming when she’ll stand before the gates of heaven and be turned away…

…

…

man, i can’t take that sentence seriously…i tried but i can’t…i see myself as a Spirit hangin out, doing my darndest to remember who I am and be the best human being i can be…once my time here is done, i’m not going to stand before any gates…i believe God will sit me down and ask me, “My child, what did you learn?” and then, the question will be, “what would you like to learn next?”…my journey will then continue…and i will know love…pure, nonjudgmental, unconditional love…this is what Christ would have wanted us to realize while on this plane…he said it…”as i do, so you shall and more.” wake up y’all!

NAMASTE’= The Divine in me blesses and honors the Divine in you.

Namaste’

need….
to feel him lay his hands upon me,
gently pulling from deep inside passion held for too long at bay…
he colors my world an array of deeply vibrant hues,
ribbons of rainbows passing through fingertips, caressing me softly…

need…
to hear his whispered musings,
as he let’s me in his smoky world of dreams, visions he proudly carries…
his voice a song behind a song, carrying beats between beats,
an invitation to a dance under moonlit skies, breezes on naked skin…. 

need…
to taste his sweet kiss and smell his earthy scent,
as he holds my body against his and the world disappears…
his presence a sweet reminder of the girl i once was,
the page has turned and my womanly desires are again met…

need…
becomes want, want becomes need as the two interchange,
what’s the difference, i need therefore i want…
his presence brings to mind the scent of a storm on the wind,
the desert begging the drought to end it’s reign…

need…
oh, this sweet need burns inside me,
warms my spirit, causes a smile to come out of hiding…
when i least expect it, i feel the butterflies take flight,
for the moment, i am useless as my mind flashes back to him…

need…
to regain my composure, come back to reality, 
i recognize that these moments with him have become another facet…
a part of me sweetly cherished, a treasure trove to come back to,
on nights when he again holds me close and carries me to those secret places…

 

So, whatcha wanna manifest today?  It’s up to you.  You have a say in the matter, whether you realize it or not.  It’s time to realize it.  Manifest good things…

….awww damn, i got hooked yesterday…from micromanaging at work to an angry mother going off on me…yeah, beautiful…and so, i lost my temper and went off…vented on people i had no desire to vent to, need to blow off steam…today, i’m philosophical…it’s all a test…i was doing alright for a minute, kept my cool even when disrespected…but, it got the best of me in the end…when it comes to the money i take care of my family with, or my child’s well being, yeah, i’m a bit testy…but, what i realize is, how much good am i if i lose it?  how effective am i taking care of my girls if i allow for the petty bullshit to hook me and swing me to and fro…the bullshit at work, i’ll get a handle on it…my daughter, all i can do is my best…my goal, to be able to stay calm in the face of anything and everything…

the sky is looking beautiful this morning…a new day…yeah, God does give you do-overs….

tonight i ran under the most beautiful trees…they’re located at the college down the street from my place…these trees are so big and old and calming…if my heart is troubled or my doubts are taking hold, i know i can go to these trees and breathe easy…the air around them is noticably cooler, the peace i feel almost tangible…i’ve always had an affinity for trees…they stand so tall for ages, in the same place day after day, year after year…i, who spend so much time running around doing this, doing that…how poignant that only when i stand still can i be at peace, however fleeting though this sense may be…when i lay my hand on a tree’s bark, i can feel that serene feeling emanate…this is what i seek to find within…

trying to find this “happy”…finding that being happy is so damn hard…yet, it’s only hard because of the meanings i attach to whatever is going on in my life…they are what they are, just events that happen, yet…here i come along placing all these meanings on them and in the end, making my joy just beyond my reach….break it down….this is a concept i’m struggling with…when someone says something to me…be level…just listen to the words, take them in but keep the meanings at bay…if he says to me that i’m someone special, that’s nice but that’s all…i am special but, this doesn’t mean that what we have is anything more than just two people spending time…and that’s ok…i’m reading back over this post thinking, i used to hate listening to people talk like this, made no sense to me.  i thought they were a bunch of nonsensical goofballs, high on life and whatever they might’ve smoked that day…i never took them seriously…crazy how life turns you inside out and changes your conceptions…now, i’m speaking in terms of “being” and i get it…it is a matter of staying “awake”…oh great, i’m putting things in quotes…but, how else do i express the deeper meaning of what i’m sounding off on?  these words in “quotes” they aren’t just words, they’re a way of life that is more authentic than any societal rule of what is normal, what is right…

lately, i’m feeling a need to clear out the clutter, in my home, in my life, in my mind and my heart…i want that which is simple…i’ve always been one to analyze the hell out of what people say to me or what situations may arise…it’s a learned behavior and worthless…i find that when i stand in the moment of whatever is happening, whatever i’m feeling…i stand and recognize what “is” from what i’ve attached…it becomes clear to me that my moving thru this world requires nothing more than simply standing…ultimately, everything that presents itself, every joy and pain, every good and bad that comes to play in my world is a step to something better in me…that’s all…what’s the need for baggage?  take what is given, thank the Universe for the opportunity, affirm your righteousness and continue forward…we are meant for greatness…in fact, the greatness is already there…we’re just trying to wake up to it…stop trying…do…

yeah, i love yoda…he knew what was up…

years gone by…memories embedded, blended…pain and joy intermingled…separation of the two unnecessary for they combined to form the character of the person whose soul knew before birth what was necessary…what was needed to be…be the source…pain and joy intermingled…so that the One could know Himself/Herself…the soul knew…the person just followed…

sweet silence conveys
much profound meaning
my eyes i turn away
lest you read what i’m feeling

can’t explain this sudden venture
to places familiar yet unknown
is there a light to guide me
where my heart wants to roam

goddam this fear
pain is just on the other side
the wall though raised high
offers no place to hide

i must swing wide the door
let the light shine upon me
face my trepidations
only then will i be free

take these self imposed shackles
from my ankles, let me run
through fields of what’s possible
no longer will i shun

no guarantees in this life
no promises infallible
how deep is my potential
i’m just learning of what i am capable

i stand upon my mountain
difficult tho’ my climb
i have more to traverse
more of myself to find

as my wise friend has told me
“stand in your fear”
finally i can smile and say
your meaning is clear

my smile tho’ is cautious
i walk with hesistant stride
faith ain’t easy to come by
in myself i must confide

my heart is full
of love to impart
if not him then another
but, this is a good start

~eclipse of a moment
whence the moment is done
celestial’s afterglow fades
not so the memory of two bodies as one

crossing each other’s paths
sun faces moon
a most wondrous occasion
that ends all too soon

as though lovers passing
covert glances are cast
moon faces sun
moans the parting too fast

one can almost imagine
her soft kisses imparted
he caresses her skin
her softness cathartic

she sighs her contentment
he whispers her name
each time together
is never the same

he memorizes her taste
as his tongue traces her lip
she lanquidly strokes the line of his body,
rests her hand on his hip

pureness of being
celestial bodies entwine
spirit flows through them
passion’s bliss so sublime

the depth of her feeling profound
she places her head on his chest
so soft is his touch
in her for the moment he’ll rest

sweet simple pleasure
ecstasy attained 
they connect to each other
in ways unexplained

eclipse of a moment
whence the moment is done
celestial’s afterglow fades
not so the memory of two bodies as one~