moe-tif

…it is 3:19 p.m. on a monday afternoon, october 30th…i’ve got big things going on in my world…house is fixing to sell, soon to be moving closer to my oldest’s school, new daycare for the babies…a lot to do, a lot on my plate…but right now, i want to stop for a minute and “be”…enjoy the little stuff…the bag of lays chips I KNOW i shouldn’t have…but damn, the way it tastes is so yummy!  i’m sitting in the breakroom with a view of this most beautiful tree, sky looks a bit gray (could be smog but, to me it looks like rain so, that’s what i’m going to think it is)…my children are all healthy, each their own wonderful piece of God…my friends are real and more like family…i’m truer to myself than i’ve ever been and with this awakening, when my man comes along…i’ll be ready…

ahhhh…it’s good to stop “and smell the roses” from time to time… 

wow…morning came quick…new week…last week was a bad one, weekend wasn’t so great either…i think that all the bad that happened over the week culminated into a really, really bad mood this weekend…my poor kids…nothing like watching the main adult in their world freaking out over the paper towel role not being in it’s place…yeah, they must feel real secure in their little souls….aargh….

so…i need to take hold here…take charge of my world…practice what i preach…manifest what i want to happen and learn from everything that goes on…i took on the victim role, especially sunday…waste of energy and certainly not the example i want to set…the kids are watching my every move, why show them how to be victims….why not show them who’s the boss in her world?  curl up in a fetal position when no one is watching….

this is a brand new week…a brand new page just waiting for the stroke of my pen…time to get up from my fall, shake it off and keep on movin forward…

Definitions for “convenience”:

1. The quality of being suitable to one’s comfort, purposes, or needs
2. Personal comfort or advantage
3. Something that increases comfort or saves work
4. A suitable or agreeable time

This is a familiar place for me.  I have served as a convenience more than once so, when it happens again, I recognize it.  No one’s fault but my own.  Feels shitty though…how do I stop this fucking routine? 

…..laugh….even when the world thinks it’s inappropriate…laugh your ass off….find some kind of humor in all the bullshit and let go…

my old sitter turned out to be a jerk with me…used my ass for what she needed and then turned around and made my life hell…my fault, i let her do this because i thought i needed her services….i gave up too quickly thinking i wouldn’t be able to find another…besides, my babies’ daddy wanted her to watch the girls because the sitter is family…fuck that…she’s not my family and he doesn’t pull his load so why should i try to appease his ass? 

so i find another sitter and the first day, my baby (3 years old) calls her a bitch…first day turns into the last day…

(i’m dealing with all this while at work mind you….processing payrolls and on the phone trying to find childcare…single momhood ain’t fun)

i’ve got another sitter in line, thank God…and i pray to God that all this drama disappears…

aargh…

so, this is why i say laugh…sometimes i feel like i’m so overwhelmed i’m going to choke…my back and the back of my neck hurt, i have no desire to eat, my head aches…the stress really brings me down…but if i can laugh, it’s one defense against the struggle…laughter really is good medicine…

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  i can get thru anything, and, everything always works out…it really does…this too shall pass…

Drunken stupor no excuse…

Does not shield me from the truth borne of my soul’s desire…

I am mother, first and foremost…the cost of my role,

My woman’s heart, my bittersweet longing…

I don’t need or want a man to take my load…it is my load to carry…

And I carry it proudly…

But, sometimes I tire…and oh…for that good, strong man to fall into…

That loving somebody to tell me he believes in my strengths…when my own beliefs

I question…

That chest to pillow my head, that shoulder to cry on…those arms to pick me up and point me…back…

To the direction my destiny points…

No, I don’t want to give my load to anyone…but,

To have that love to fall into…that would be sublime…

I think I can do anything…but…with a  support such as this…I can do anything better…

right now i’m feeling a self pity that, i promise, will be short lived….i’ve got an ex that knows nothing of respect…i said no to him regarding sex and now he’s more the asshole than he’s ever been…i’m truly on my own when it comes to paying the bills and getting the shit done…he does not think of the children’s best interests, only his hurt pride…kiss my ass you piece of shit…

i am blessed…despite feeling sorry for myself i am oh so aware of the many fortunes i have in my world…i am surrounded by people who love me, people i am inspired by, people i love unconditionally…one such person, mi Salma, just went thru something we will all deal with eventually, she’s been shown her own mortality by way of her mother’s stroke…thank God, her mother is fine…but i must mention and with such admiration…Salma stepped up and stayed strong, for her mother, for her siblings, for her family…my friend, my sidekick…soul sistah that you are…this was a wake up call for me…why waste time, it isn’t guaranteed by any means…the time is now…i am so proud you are my friend and i am there the moment you need me…

my girl Laura…you’ve made strides that were difficult, but you’re doin it girl…you are graduating, you are raising your boy and you are letting go and being when the guy you care so much for wants another…you stay graceful and dignified…your man is on his way, he will arrive on time and the love you’ll share will be more than you ever imagined…be patient…in the meantime…keep that focus on your growth…you are setting one hell of an example for your son…

Nona, you don’t give yourself enough credit…most women going thru what you’ve gone thru would have lost their minds…you didn’t…you almost did…you wandered into the darkness and you stood in your despair…yet you always pulled yourself to the light…you’ve always come out of the clutches of sadness…you have no idea your influence…you are one of the most generous, kind and strong women i know…your joy is inside of you…with time, you’ll open up to it…

there’s more…but mentioning these three are enough to pull me out of my self pity…i’ll be just fine…no more wasting time…i’ve got babies looking up to me…and i’ve got a circle of friends to join hand in hand as we struggle thru this wonderful life…i am truly honored to know them all…

[     Taking the kids to the park and running/laughing right along with them

[     Lying in bed with my three year old as she “reads” me a story

[     Listening to my four year old sing a song she’s making up as she goes along

[     Surrounded by my eleven year old and her friends and having honest conversations with them

[     During a parent/teacher conference, listening to my child’s teacher tell me my daughter has something special in her that will take her far in life, something I already knew…so nice to hear it from someone other than myself

[     Conversating with my ex-husband’s wife for the first time (she’s raising my ten year old in
Washington) and realizing she’s alright…and she has our daughter’s best interest at heart.

[     Dinner with my best friends, sharing our secrets and knowing I’ll always be in company that loves me truly

[     Finally getting it thru the babies’ father’s head that I never want to be with him again in “that” way

[     Laughing from the gut with a man who I can be real with, simple stuff

[     Cooking with this man

[     Sitting in his presence with nothing but silence swirling around us and no need to fill the quiet

[     Sleeping in his arms, maybe snoring…he doesn’t mind and neither do I

[     Going for walks with him

[     Listening to good music with him

[     Quiet dinners with candlelight and stimulating conversations

[     Falling in love with this man

[     Falling in love with myself

deep breath…inhale, exhale…think on this…hmmm…is it enough?  is this enough for me?  should i settle for this?  aren’t i worth more?  am i not good enough?  then it occurs to me…

i’m doing it again…

questioning myself…when in reality, ain’t nothing wrong with me…nothing wrong with him either…he’s been honest throughout…i agreed to participate with the standards set…why did i agree if it wasn’t something i really wanted?  because i was willing to settle for whatever i could have thinking that it would be enough…it’s not…fulfills only moments while my deepest desires are left untouched…profound feelings i carry that i can’t bring out because he’s not at a place where he can handle them…

i’ve got a decision to make…create a light at the end of my tunnel…how long am i willing to live only halfway…see…if there was a chance at something, wouldn’t more of an effort be made on his part? dunno…don’t do this enough to know the fucking rules…

i hate rules…i hate games…i prefer being real with my emotions…not necessarily should i share them tho’…but, i’ve pushed them down for so long they’re pushing at the door and inching it open…

i think i’ll hide out for awhile…unnecessary to be hurting when it’s all onesided, all in my head…besides…he’s torn, tryin to figure shit out in his own world…i’m a distraction possibly…i don’t want to be anyone’s distraction from his own focus…i’m better than that…whether he gets it or not is really not my problem…i’m not going to waste more of myself trying to convince anyone i’m a great catch…it is what it is…i’m a great catch…

but i get lonely…need to feel a good man’s arms around me…tired of running, running, running…nice to have someone to fall into every once in a while…a hug can make all the difference…

i’ll hug my kids…i don’t need no freakin man!

ahhh, who am i tryin to kid…

:( 

so…i’m going along feeling pretty good about myself…strong in my beliefs…then i get hit with the blues…a realization that to maintain this sense of peace takes work…it is difficult to stay on the path without finding myself fall into old thoughts, old habits, old resignations and fears…i find myself sad and distrusting…i know what i want…but, what i want and what is good for me are two different things sometimes/most times it seems…

what i know for sure…i have blessings in my babies, my family and friends…and, the path of Spirit is my path…it is a righteous and fulfilling way…it is hard, but, nothing easy is worth having…besides…it’s only as hard as i make it…

I’m listening to Louie Armstrong sing this great song and it occurs to me - he thinks what a wonderful world because he sees past the ugly.  He doesn’t so much ignore it as much as he shifts his focus, lets himself see the beauty, in fact, he seeks it out.  He immerses himself in the good stuff - in spite of the bad that is there - the focus is on what he chooses to place it. 

When was the last time you immersed yourself in the good stuff?  Life is what you make it.  What a wonderful world!