moe-tif

so much to learn,
so much to see,
so much to feel,
so much to be…

profound is the knowing,
that i know not enough,
stress surrounds spirit,
like a diamond in the rough…

i come into my own,
a little more each day,
a force to be reckoned with,
i awaken, come what may…

to live is a choice,
asleep i could be,
i choose wakefulness,
i choose to be free…

i choose to face pain,
i choose to laugh loud,
i choose to be sad,
i choose to lift my shroud…

no more i deny,
the truth of what is, 
i’ve seen the truth,
in me it lives…

two steps forward, 
three steps back, 
i must leap over my wall,
tho’ courage i lack…
 
explore the heavens i could,
but what is there to see,
outside of this world,
when heaven’s kingdom is within me…

“change your thoughts and you change your world”….i’m working on this….my thoughts haven’t always been very positive nor hopeful so, what i’ve focused on is what i’ve gotten…i struggle to pay bills, i struggle to get by…time to try a different angle…change my thoughts…but not just change em, dwell on them for minute or two, or five…meditate on them, dream about my goals, feel them and then, be open, be aware of what opportunities present themselves out of “nowhere”, follow the signs, be accountable…catch any doubts that may pop in and immediately change them…

Christ: “As I do, so you shall….and more, the kingdom of heaven is within you.”

Buddha: “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”

Einstein: “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

Dr. Martin Luther King: “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

Ghandi: ”A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.”

Maya Angelou: ”There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

www.whatisthesecret.tv

crazy…i’ve read about this for YEARS…some of these speakers and authors that are presented in this movie i own books by…i’ve known this “secret”, yet i’ve not allowed myself to realize it…lately, especially within the last 6 months signs, experiences, people have been arriving and leaving me with tidbits of what i viewed last night…responsibility for my life…the entire scope of it…it’s all on me and it truly is what i CHOOSE…i’ve known this for years…this video simplifies it, makes it so much easier to understand…i’ve made it hard to grasp but, it’s not hard…law of attraction…makes such perfect sense…

a few months back, someone brought this video up to me…don’t remember who, but, he or she put the curiousity in my head…i’d just recently watched the first video, “What the Bleep do we know?”….then i learned there was a second movie out called “The Secret”…i tucked this info away…months later, a woman i’ve never met but have worked with and gotten to know thru email brings it up…from out of nowhere…again, i tuck it away in the back of my mind…a few weeks later, a co-worker/friend talks to me about a video she happened to find on line by googling random phrases, this one….”what is the secret?”…here pops up a link to this video…now this friend of mine is someone along the same track as i…we both know there’s more than meets the eye and so, she knew she could share this with me (the first video “what the bleep” is hers)…yet, again…i didn’t take a look myself…then, a week later my soul sistah, dear friend yvonne…calls me excited about an interview given to 5 people who were presented in this video…she and i both have been on this journey, helping each other understand when ideas and principles presented themselves…more and more, she has been plugging away at me to get a simple fact…i am responsible for the pain in my own world…AND for the joy…why not create more joy?  she talked of “the secret”…i told her about all the different signs pushing me in the direction of this video…but, did i pull it up?  nope…then, i did, thanksgiving night…after a talk with my father and brother about where we come from, faith, spirituality vs. religion, etc, etc, etc…i brought up the movie “What the Bleep do we know?”….i mentioned the second video but not heavily…however, it stuck in my own mind so, finally…i came home and pulled it up…for 90 minutes i listened to what i’d already known and never allowed myself to take on…not fully anyway…now i have no choice…my life, my creation…this is powerful…this is saying i am at cause in the matter…i am responsible as much for the “bad” as for the “good”…it’s not just a philosophy, it is a work to be done…it requires paying attention to my thoughts and working on my world with INTENTION…my god, i took courses on this very thing 10 years ago yet, I ALWAYS HAVE KNOWN…

we create our worlds…our lives…we are writing our own stories, why not write happy stories, stories in which we are responsible for making our own dreams come true…our stories don’t have to be filled with suffering and sadness…let’s write stories in which we are living to our fullest potential…we are unlimited…

law of attraction….

 

www.whatisthesecret.tv

i am thankful for:

sarah, casie, jada, liset

my mom, my dad, my brothers steven and richard, my sister vicki

yvonne, laura, tammy, m’shel, nona, brenna, sandra, andy, sean

old friends, new friends

perceived enemies, perceived wrongs….all of which have taught me to appreciate the good in my world…all of which stopped being enemies and wrongs when i took a look from a different angle

for all the pain i’ve experienced because thru that suffering i learned compassion

i am thankful for everything i’ve ever experienced…i know what saying that means, i finally get it…

it is on it’s way, it will arrive on time, it will arrive in greater amounts than i ever imagined….

guess what….

it’s already here, it’s been here all along, it is as unlimited as i am willing to let it be…

it’s already here…

 

i write posts like the one previous to this…posts in which i’m delving in my self pity with the knowledge that i can’t stay clouded for long…my friends won’t let me, my folks won’t, my brother won’t….the Universe won’t….i am always guided to some experience of truth…today it was a piece referring to taoism…

http://www.thisibelieve.org/dsp_ShowEssay.php?&uid=15562&start=0

 life is sweet…

damn, trade one hurt for another, and another, and then…..another….
surrounded by those who seem to know exactly what’s going on,
while i run away from what’s obvious…
the pain too much to face,
but, she grabs me by the collar and forces me to look into her eyes….
fuck, i knew it…
me

wooooohooooooo!  yippeeeeeee!  monday, monday, monday!  short week, which means it will be so much busier…..yeeeehawwwwwwwww!

psychin up….this is promising to be a grind, but…in the end, it’ll all come out great!  got turkey on thursday, turkey sandwiches on friday, saturday and sunday…yum….

 happy thanksgiving all! 

I believe we are all weak.  I also believe that we will find our strengths within our perceived weaknesses.  So often we shy away from facing our fears.  We put up façade after façade in the hopes that we will somehow fool the world and have folks thinking we are faultless, wonderful human beings.  Yet, we will never fool ourselves.  Truth is we are scared, mean and ugly at times.  We use our moments of human error as opportunities for judgment and self recrimination.  We turn our self loathing into outward searches for others who may also represent what we so dislike in ourselves.  We then focus our disdain upon those individuals who encompass our own faults.  We see clearly in them what we run away from in ourselves.  They are our mirrors.  They serve as the scapegoat when looking within becomes too painful. 
 With that said, I believe our weaknesses are gateways to our strengths.  Just facing them is cause for celebration, a stepping over the threshold so to speak.  Our weak moments, our fears, our perceived ugliness…all these so called “negative” aspects of who we are serve as milestones by which we can gauge our growth.  What is needed in the equation is our own spiritual fortitude and the willingness to stand in our weaknesses and be thankful for them.   My brother, Steven, died 11 years ago.  His life was riddled with failure and fault.  He was addicted to drugs and alcohol and he served as my scapegoat.  Oh, how I loved to judge him.  I never tired of looking down my nose at him and I couldn’t understand why he would choose the route he did.  I didn’t comprehend and for this reason I labeled him and put myself up on a pedestal.  And then, the call came.  He was found under a bridge, dead.  He died a hobo’s death, by way of dehydration and environmental factors.  My mind and soul were numb as I flew from my comfortable home in
Colorado to Arizona, for his funeral.  My judgments coursed through me, “He was too weak to beat his addictions.”, “He made his choice, no one forced him into this life”…and so on, and so on.  These were the thoughts that kept me from really feeling anything, until my other brother, Richard, took me to where his body had been found.  It was evident a body had been there.  The numbness disappeared, to be replaced by an utter and profound sense of shame and sadness.  That night, I locked myself away and for hours begged and prayed for forgiveness.  That my own flesh and blood died in such a manner was horrible enough.  But, knowing that in life I was one of many who put him down and degraded him, this was almost unbearable.  That night, my brother became my guide.  That night I realized who the stronger person was in all of this.  Never did he judge me.  He tried so many times to connect with me yet I would shrug him off as a nobody, a drug addict.  He simply nodded his head and went on his way, taking in my cruelty without as much as a fight back.  Forever peaceful he was with me even when I was at war with him.   Later I would learn of Steven’s gifts.  I always knew he could draw and create.  He had a knack for building things.  But, I didn’t know he could write.  His work is amazing to read.  There were few things we could save, his possessions were meager.  Yet, his was a rich being indeed.  His depth as a human being was profound.  And oh, how he’s taught me.  I made a decision the night I battled my shame over how I mistreated him.  Never again would I write another human being off.  That night I realized just how weak I had been all those years growing up and I came to terms with my own ugliness.  I faced myself full on and saw clearly that in all that time, my brother had been my gentle scapegoat.  I saw so clearly in him what was coursing through my own soul’s veins and I took out my disparagement without mercy.   My brother gifted me with a legacy I must carry on to my own children.  I do so with honor.  I know I have much more work ahead.  I forget sometimes and catch myself judging others.  My forgetfulness never lasts for long, however, as though my brother were in my ear reminding me to face myself and stand within my own weaknesses.  Each day I grow stronger as my weaknesses present themselves to me.  I find myself cherishing them, loving the humanity they represent and the opportunity they offer me to grow, realize all that I truly am.  Because of my brother Steven, I have realized that my weaknesses can serve as entryways into amazing strengths and amazing opportunities.  Because of my brother, this I believe.             

see, it’s a dangerous quality i possess…
i’m too deeply motivated to share, too generous with my profound feelings…
i entrust my emotions too fully to those who would choose only to skim the surface…
they want none of what i have to offer, even as they taste the splendor,
they reject the feast…
what transpires then is…
i am left empty handed and feeling betrayed…
and there is no one to blame, no one…
aloneness is a place i find most secure…
here in this silence is a peace i am more and more succumbing to…
wrap myself in a blanket of solitude…
no empty promises, no need to break through walls…
i leave you alone…
you leave me alone…

so, i took myself down to the xtreme bean coffee house tonite…read some, wrote some, read some more and then, went home…i needed to do this, for a bit, reconnect with myself…me and i have lost touch and my balance has been just the opposite, i’ve been in a state of imbalance…this does me no good…my sense of self has been set aside in favor of wishful thinking that in the end, ultimately, must come to an end…sigh…

i visit the prisoner i’ve made of myself,
settled into her cell, key just within reached,
the sentence undecided as yet,
the light of day just a choice away…
i look back on memories of decisions poorly made
and ebb back into a tide of painful emotions not neatly buried….
the sadness overwhelming, i am surprised at my remorse…
where was the remorse before i stepped into the crime scene?
why can only hindsight clearly show the error of my ways?
i know i must forgive myself before i can step away
from these guarded gates of self recrimination…
yet, all i know is all i know
i am fearful of the unfamiliar, even when the unfamiliar speaks
to a desire so deep that were i only to delve thus far, the joy would almost be enough…
almost…
i know that if i let myself stay locked away, my spirit will lose the light
and my cell will become my coffin…
i must take the key and unlock my own prison’s gate…
step out and take this world on with the vigor of one
who all along was so wrongly accused…
i was never allowed to speak in my own defense…
i instead wallowed and faltered, allowing the gavel to fall…
let the gavel fall…i want no more of this self imposed prison…
i want to be free…my soul yearns to breath free…