moe-tif

…no more feeling hurt over another’s transgressions when i am the one inviting them in…i am the one deciding to be with these people and i allow false hope to cloud my senses…let go of expectations…allow them to be who they are, follow their own path…they must go the way they must go, just as i must go the way i am going…if time and decisions lead us to be together, so be it…and if not…so be it…i must honor that there is much more going on than meets the eye and if i allow myself to succumb to hurt, i’ll miss my own part to play…i am growing by leaps and bounds and i am waking up out of my self imposed pain faster and faster each time a person or persons does not live up to my expectations…these expectations are but a distraction…let things be and watch what happens when i step back…these expectations are created in my own mind…this is not to say i allow another to abuse me…this is to say that i see my own responsibility and i take control of my role in the situation…this is a new concept to me…a valuable tool to pick up and use in the creation of my world…

….i saw an image and i had an epiphany….the thought running around in my head was this, “God wants us to succeed.  Our Source wants us to be happy!”  now, this is not a new thought, i’ve known it for awhile, i’ve heard it spoken aloud, i’ve read it…the difference this morning was that i felt it and could see out in front of me all the things, both material and not, that i want in life…the house i want, the life i want for myself and my children, the experiences i want for us to have, the writing career, the philanthropic way i want to live….omigosh, there is so much…and, i could see it out in front of me…i saw myself standing there looking out at my life and i could hear a voice telling me, “go forward, take what is yours”, i realized that all it took was a step, then two, then stride after stride…i also saw, however, that i could easily falter, i could lose my sense of direction…it was in these times that i would reach out for help…the deal was, i needed to reach in, re-evaluate where i became lost, figure out why, take responsibility and then, proceed again…ooooh, but, let me not forget the most important part…i needed to trust God…notice how i looked within…trust God…trust God within…believe that voice that speaks to all of us…know…unwavering faith…

shared too much…
said too much…
too much, too soon…
didn’t play the game enough…
don’t know the game enough…
what are the rules? 
why is it a game?
why…?

tested, always being tested…
my resolve not so strong…
but, worthy, oh so worthy…
my happy is my own responsibility…

he makes no difference…
ok…he shouldn’t make a difference…
let him in too much…
not his fault…my own desires override
my good sense…

lacking common sense…
too often listening to my heart…
my head is too far up in the clouds to pay attention…
and so…
again, what happens…yet again…

shared too much
said too much
too much, too soon…

and set my expectations too high…

i am but a note sitting upon a page of music that both delights and saddens…
a melodious sound that evokes both pain and joy, love and hate…

i am but a word sitting amongst many in a story that has no beginning, no end…
a book that entices the Reader to turn page after page, never knowing what will happen next…

i am but a stroke from a painter’s brush, sitting upon a palette of many colors…
i know that my hue graces His canvas and that i am a part of a great work…

i am but a breeze left over from a great wind, a small drop of rain…
from a great storm that has crossed over the fields of humanity and left it’s mark forever…

i am but a small part of a larger scheme…so small, yet, i am so important…
He treasures me, seeks me out, as he does all my brothers and sisters…

you are as i am…small, seemingly insignificant, yet…not so in His eyes…
we are cherished, loved without condition, treasured beyond all reason…

there is no reason other than pure and complete Love…
we are this and more, simply…we are…simply…

i am… 

I am responsible for them.
I have never met them, but I’ve seen their faces.
I have read their stories and I have prayed for an end to their pain.
They are many, these victims, survivors and casualties alike.
They are my family, they are your family and we are responsible for them.

They have sought solace, they have cried out to us
to help them, to reach out and pull them from hell’s depths.
Just because we haven’t met them does not mean they are not
“our problem”.
We are responsible for them, for they are our brothers and sisters.

They are the millions of men, women and children who have suffered
unspeakable violence.  People who have been brutally victimized all
across this planet we call our home. 
We share the Earth and, like it or not, we are kin. 
They are our brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, they are our children.

There but for the grace of God go you and I…and guess what…
it is only a matter of time before the grace of God is lifted and we too
are crying for help against hate’s tyranny,
for what occurs just on the other side of this planet will, in all absolute certainty
take a toll on you and I.

You see, blood is indeed thicker than water and…
blood is what stains our souls…the blood of countless many…
if we stand idly by.
We may feel we have no power, but we do…if only in our prayers.
We have the power to move mountains, tucked deep within.

We cannot continue to live as though unaccountable to each other.
Evil has blinded us to the bigger picture. 
We are racing towards something,
something of immense importance, yet…
many of us are walking this world ignorant.

There is a change coming, a much needed shift.
We have a choice in the matter, yet, so many are still sleeping.
It is time to wake up, take accountability, take care
of one another.
Love one another, reach out and hold one another.

The change that is on it’s way will shake us all
to the very core of our being.
Our only means of defense will be to find
that voice with which God is speaking to us all.
That voice from within, that loving place.

Only Love will save us,
only Love ever could.
But, first, for Love to do what it must,
we must find it within and extend it throughout.
We must wake up and see through the eyes of Spirit.

We must take hold and hang on tightly.
Set aside our prejudice, throw out our judgments and
take hold of the very ones we would turn away from.
No more can we ignore our own relatedness to our brothers and sisters.
No more, enough, we must take a stand next to one another.

For they are my family, they are your family and we are responsible for them.
They are our brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, they are our children.
They are you, they are me and we are connected to each other by something
far greater than anything we could ever imagine.
Love’s Source is the very light by which we shine.

~
dedicated
to the millions
who have suffered
at the hands of genocidal hate
throughout this world 
~

to take care of my man…i used to view this concept with disdain…it took reaching the beginning of middle age, a divorce, a break up and time spent alone for me to realize the absolute beauty in the simple idea of taking care of my man…you see…i’ve had this wall up for awhile…i’ve chosen men who lacked respect for me…i can’t and won’t pin any blame on them…i chose to be with them, i chose to tolerate their mistreatment…and, the secret, hidden beneath the surface result was that whenever they asked anything of me, i would give in to them with a swallowed disgust, a halfway hidden reproach…i hated doing anything…i hated cooking for them because they wouldn’t like my cooking, i hated cleaning house because the house would never meet their standards…i hated doing anything at all for them because it would never meet up with “mom”…i did nothing right…

but…i realize now…none of this is their fault…

i didn’t like myself…yup, it sounds cheesy, but, it’s the only explanation that sits right in my gut…i didn’t like myself and i chose men who didn’t really like themselves…while together we found ways to make each other wrong, we found “evidence” for why we were unhappy and we made each other miserable…

it took spending time alone…somewhere along the way i figured out that if i were ever going to live authentically, i would have to kick dude out (babies’ daddy…yeah, that was tuf but, he’d raised his hand to me one too many times…what the fuck kind of shit is that to tolerate and teach my babies?) and, i would have to be alone with m’self…it was hard at first…but, the difficulty came because i wasn’t sure of my own self…crazy…i was scared of being alone with me…and then…after a couple of years…it hit…

i like me…yeah, i’m a goofball…but, i like myself…i’m well on my way to loving myself and you know what…it feels sooooooo good! 

i’m seeing this guy…sexy, sweet, frustrating but in a good way…he’s a good man…don’t know if he’s the one…quite frankly, right now, i don’t care…he feels right and the future will make itself known in due time…in the meantime, however…i find myself enjoying the concept of taking care of a man…CRAZY!  i don’t have that sense that i’m losing myself if i want to make sure he’s happy…i like that he’s comfortable because i fed him right, or his drink is how he likes it…and it occurs to me…for my children, i cater…for my man, i will cater because it fills me…sets my soul at ease…i find a pleasure and satisfaction in knowing they are comfortable because i anticipated and correctly fulfilled their needs…and in doing so, in no way did i sacrifice myself….this is a natural and wonderful way to live…

wow…i’ve come a long way…

He shone with a light borne from a place within.
He lit the way when she’d lost her bearings.
He never asked anything of her, nor did he promise anything,
he just came in, took a seat in her heart and there he stayed.
He made her laugh, from a deep place, out loud and without restraint.
He tantalized her senses, showed her to places she had long ago forgotten.
He soothed her spirit, eased her mind, calmed her fears.

She lived her life seeking spirit.
She knew there were places uncharted deep within her.
She loved her children, loved her family and friends and finally,
she began to love herself, fully, completely and with abandon.
She learned to laugh, she learned to cherish, she learned to “be”.
She knew with him she was immensely happy…there was a difference tho’, this time.
She loved herself enough to know that without him, she would be alright.

For the first time, she could love someone without abandoning her own person.
For the first time, she knew freedom within and without.
For the first time, there were no doubts or uncertainties,
for there was a self love present that had been denied for too long.
For her, he was a sancuary, a garden she walked through, spirit calm, at peace.
For him, she was a place he could go to rest, kick off his shoes, speak freely.
For them, there was only the moment and the future would play itself out.