moe-tif

….this amazing ride!  there are ups and there are downs, valleys and mountains…good times and bad times….all together they provide opportunities for growth and for an awakening…especially those “bad” times…i’m finding more and more that instead of resenting them, i should be thankful for them…crazy huh, let me explain…

if it weren’t for the darkness, we wouldn’t know the light…if it weren’t for the bad times, i wouldn’t know to be so grateful for the good…each time i came across a difficulty in my life, i had a choice…i could choose graceful learning or i could choose hateful ignorance, play the victim role and drag myself through the moment as though through barbed wire and glass…i ain’t ashamed to admit, most times i chose the hard way…i made my pain and suffering more painful, more difficult to “get thru”…hindsight truly is 20/20 as i gaze back through my life and reflect upon my choices…i sit here in my chair typing and feel a sense of power that, frankly, has always been there…i just never tapped into it…the Universe has been so patient with me…my Miyagi were the many people and experiences that have popped up here and there throughout my life and kept pointing out to me my own responsibility…i never listened although i did try to act enlightened in the presence of others…i’ve always been able to talk a good game but, when it came to being brutally honest with myself…my authenticity i would lose and i’d run off scared lest it find me…

then one day…ok, more like a collection of days…events and people again began to point…this time, i decided to look, really look at myself…i took what i was learning, applied it and patiently waited for results…my patience has paid off because, my life is changing, improving…my Spirit is coming out from behind the curtain and the Light is shining brighter and brighter…my children too are responding and where before i was this angry, impatient mother i am now an amazed student as my children teach me about, well…me…hmmmm, has this always been available?

YES!  Law of Attraction baby!  there is so much power in every human being…the world as it is now has been created by our own thinking…our intentions have been misguided…it is time to correct the errors of so many years past…it begins with our own lives…our own thinking…when we shift our thoughts to a grateful place, when we decide to focus on that which we want, what we are left with is a dynamic life…the good just keeps on coming…the difficulties no longer paralyze us, instead, they are looked upon as exercises, an opportunity to strengthen areas of our lives where we might be weak…that’s all, they are not the defining moments of our lives…they are simply tests, lessons…when we change our lives…we change the world, one person to the next…

yes indeed…life is an amazing gift…

can’t blame him…she let it go this way…when she needs him, he’s unavailable…yet, when he calls the wee hours of the morning, she’s so complacent….”oh, yeah, c’mon by”, says she, the lonely one without a backbone….she let it go this way, he merely follows his nose, the one that says he’ll get some, if only he asks…and only when it is convenient for him…story of her life…and where the role of victim once lay…what lies there now is the impending need to be responsible…she allowed it to get to this point…

does she need him?  was this a test to prove to herself where she stood?  didn’t he always play the honesty card?  he never let her think more than what was there…she was the one who ran into fantasy land, hoping for more…

not too late…never too late…she has a chance to learn something here…about herself…realize her worth…she is worthy…time to take a stand…a quiet stand…

time i stood for what i wanted…now, where did i put that…the list that is…

the list of what i wanted…want…or…is it possible i’ve never compiled it…so bent on making others happy…time to compile it…

easy…just start with, “i want…”

victim means to me, staying connected to the deed and connected to the person who committed whatever act that made me feel like a “victim”… i choose to separate myself…i am not a victim…these things that happened, these events…they were “what happened”…the meaning i take from these occurances are up to me to decide on…this is not to say my sadness, anger or hurt are unfounded or invalid, not at all…this is to say rather, that once my anger has ebbed, it is up to me to take the step towards coming to terms with myself and the situation…it is up to me to make the decision to be a survivor and to grow as a human being, it is up to me to heal…i can allow myself to fall apart and carry the memory forward into my present and future or, i can decide instead to carry forward the strength derived when one takes a potentially tragic moment and makes it a catalyst for growth and strength…

My one week of vacation turned into three weeks and I am so grateful.  The time off was exactly the time I needed to get back in touch with my spirit.  Now that I’ve started to work again, the key is to continue this self discovery, move forward in a direction that allows me to be all that I am.  The journey has only begun, it feels.  I’ve spent so much of my life asleep, now that I’m waking up I feel afraid and at the same time excited.  Afraid because I never want to return to that place of blind faith and victim mentality.  Excited because I know I never will…now that I know what I know, I can’t just turn away, the possibilities are too wonderful to ignore.