moe-tif

she stood quietly at the back of the room…no one knew she’d entered…
she listened to her family discuss her latest choice…her latest endeavor…
she heard the reproach in their voices, the disappointment…
the condemnation of yet another attempt at yet, another dream…
she was a single mother, how dare she take chances?
she had no business doing what would please her…
those days were long gone with the birth of her children…
she owed too much, she’d lost too much, to ask for their support meant…
she was asking too much…
this was what she listened to…as she quietly slipped out…

she walked to her favorite tree and sat down…her heart aching…
no words did she have for them…nothing could be said that would bring them…
to believe in her…
but, this was not the cause of her pain…
her tears flowed because somewhere along the way, she had come to agree with them…
she had taken on their doubts and had given in to their disappointment…
it had become ingrained in her…so much so that she hadn’t noticed…
until the day she realized that if she didn’t do something real…something outside of the box…
she would live her life dying a little each day…
and this would be the legacy she would pass on to her children…
it wasn’t about the money…
it wasn’t for the attention, or to prove her family wrong…
it was about living life out loud…taking full advantage of her gifts and blowing the lid off the rules…
it was about living a full existence and teaching her children by example…
the crossroads spread out before her that night…her fear almost tangible…
she made a choice…and she chose to take the road less traveled…
and damn, she was scared…but, damn…she was living…

i am sitting on a beach, legs are crossed…the sun is setting and i am alone…the sand is warm still and feels good on my legs…i look out at the ocean and watch the sun’s rays play across the water…i am calm as the tide moves in and out in front of me…in this moment, i am all that i am destined to be…i have all that i need…i realize that this has always been true…a lifetime of struggle is shrugged away as i accept the truth that, everything is as it should be…i run my hand through my hair and pull my knees up to my chin…the little girl in me sits on the edge of my consciousness…she has come to let me know that i am a child still…that, when all the layers of life are peeled away and all my pain is released…i remain full of wonder and excitement at what there is to learn….not what there is to have but…learn…my story can be changed…i can make it up as i go…nothing is predestined…it is all merely an experience…when we go back to the childlike in us, to the innocense that we emanated when we first arrived, we look at the world with fresh eyes and we can let go of the stories we’ve written…stories that clouded our vision…we are enlightened and with this comes empowerment…the quiet, peaceful, strong kind of empowerment that seeks to prove nothing…it just is…

this is where i see myself…

Awesome memory; 20 years old…hanging out with my boyfriend Andy and a group of friends…we’re sitting around a fire in the desert in Grand Junction, CO…it’s the middle of the night with a thumbnail moon and a multitude of stars…one of my friends, Scott, owns a truck with a sweet stereo system and he’s playing Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer”…Scott’s a fanatic for anything Eagles or close to them…the music sings out into the night while we sit in each other’s company, quiet…just diggin the moment…

i stand on a mountain, bright moon lights the valley below…there is no sound but for the night sounds…the breeze blowing the pines, my breathing, calm and even…the air is cool on my skin, the smell of rain faint in the air…i look out upon the simplicity before me…i long for this simplicity within me…to take each moment as it comes…no concern for the past, no worry over the future…i know i am headed to this place…from whence we all have come…my impatience unnecessary…all is as it should be…all is at it’s own pace…my awareness is shifting from the “story” i’ve been brought up to believe is “reality” to…reality in it’s purest form…i have spent a lifetime seeking for that which i had lost…the search ended when i realized that, all this time…what i’d been seeking had been contained within me…i have never been without…all that i am is all that i am supposed to be…perfect…divine…

i stand on a mountain…