May « 2009 « moe-tif

Monday, May 25, 2009

why do nice guys finish last?

so…this sweet young man asked me why do nice guys finish last?
and the only answer i could come up with was…
they don’t.
but, i couldn’t tell him that, because, while he’s busy figuring out his place in the world…
he’s gotta go thru whatever life hands him and if life hands him a puzzle that’s fallen apart…
he’s the only one who can put the pieces together…
BUT…
if he were willing to listen, really hear what i had to say…
i would tell him, stop letting your pain dictate to you what the rest of your life is going to look like…
know that, when she hurt you…by you sticking around to help see her thru her bullshit,
altho you did open the door for her to hurt you more…
that’s not to say you’re a fool or wrong for having the heart to stay and the soul to believe in her goodness and worth…
because, deep down you know that for as ugly as she was toward you…as much as she fucked up…deep down she is worthy…
now, here’s the rub…it’s not that you failed as a man…it’s that she failed to see her own worth and therefore…
no matter how hard you tried…or how “nice” a guy you were and are…there was no way your relationship could work…
fuck man…it takes two in a partnership…just because you believed in her didn’t make a damn bit of difference because
she didn’t believe in herself.
so…now what? you’ve moved on…or have you? have you?
i mean…you ask this question with a sardonic smile and a shake of your head…as if you know the answer and that answer is…
nice guys finish last because they’re pussies…
or some such bullshit…
here’s my take…take your time…why are you in such a hurry?
where do have to go that you can’t take the time…the precious time you need…
to focus on you…to hone your character…to become the man you want to be…
because, while you are working on you…somewhere, out in the world…
so is she…she is busy learning from her mistakes, busy tryin to figure out her own place…
her pain is as real as yours…and like you, she gets back up after her sadness beats her down…
you haven’t met her yet…but, you know her…
you know her smile, you know her sweet scent…you feel her soul as her Spirit reaches out to you…
know that she longs for you too…probably asks herself silly questions also…like…
why can’t i just meet that perfect…that sweet….
nice guy?
and when you meet her…she’ll make sure you know that in her eyes…
and in her heart…nice guys like you
never finish last….

let me be your mother…

i reach out to you daughter…
i seek to understand you and it seems,
i fail miserably…
i’m told it’s just your age…
your avoidance of me will not last long…
but, these reassurances do nothing to reassure me…
instead, they only scare me…
for, these are the years that you need me…
whether you know it or not…whether you want it or not…
i have things to teach you…i have my own brand of wisdom…
i know i have my issues, my temperament, my anger…
for while i carried you, birthed you, and attempted to raise you…
i was also trying to heal myself…and you, sweet child…
you suffered with me…
my “right hand” they call you…i used to think this was cute…
how wrong was i…for instead of being my right hand…
i should have let you simply, be my child…
my oldest, my precious…is it too late…
my pain swells within me, i seek to understand you…
help me, when i reach out to you…please, don’t turn away…
let me do my job…let me be your mother…
let me teach what i know…let me listen to your dreams…
let me support you…let me do what a mother is supposed to do…
i know there will be conflict and arguments as you find your way…
i know there will be times when we don’t agree and you must swallow your pride
and follow my rules…
but, know that in my heart of hearts…i love you daughter and, i am always on your side…

Thursday, May 21, 2009

i’d love to trace his lips…

…touch his skin ever so softly…lick his lips and feel his breath quicken…mmmmm….

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

mogollon rim

I remember leaving the Phoenix area and heading for the Mogollon Rim. The closer I got to my destination, the easier I could breath. Once there, I parked and headed out to the edge, through tall pines and over fallen trees and boulders. I found the perfect place to sit, on an outcropping of stone that stuck out over the valley enough so that my legs could dangle. I looked out over the trees and it was like an ocean of green for miles and miles. The air smelled so clean and I felt like I was home. I would be fine living out amongst the pines…backpack and a good book, these are all I’d need. Oh, and a pen and pad of paper. As much as I love people, I’ve come to truly enjoy my solitude, although that may not be the best word. In fact it’s not. I’m never truly alone and perhaps this is what serves as my highest source of peace.

funny how it goes…

there was a time i longed, simply pined for that one perfect guy to be my lover and soulmate…the one i would spend the rest of my life with…not to say i don’t desire his presence in my world but…the longing has ebbed…in it’s place is a longing to be right with myself…to feel a serenity that nothing and no one can shake…no matter the condition of the world around me or the state of despair in my own home…i am being tested on all sides and it is so painful…i think i’m in a good place, i have my emotions under control and then…teen angst hits a nerve and it’s all over…emotions…gawwwwd…to be able to put them on a shelf until deemed necessary would be an ideal answer…

tonite i sat on my balcony staring up into the leaves of a nearby tree…monsoony is the night, wonderful…and i cried…my sadness emerges when i’m alone…there’s no distraction and no positive words i can speak to my heart when the tears come…they just need to fall and my soul needs to be cleansed…

if i could go back…

…i’d take nothing for granted…i’d be grateful for every high and low…for every moment of sadness right there with my joy…and yes…i would have done things just a bit differently…

Monday, May 11, 2009

sawdust on the floor…

she sees him from across the room…he saw her first….she feels a panic in her tummy as she notes he is coming toward her…the lights are dim, the music soft and the room warm with a breeze blowing soft through the windows…she smells his cologne as he draws near and watches his face as a smile lights his eyes…he says nothing to her, just gently takes her hand and pulls her to her feet…he places his hand on her waist and begins to sway to the music, guiding her to the center of the dance floor…she takes an easy breath and lays her head upon his chest and dances the night away…sawdust on the floor…nothin to prove, nothin to say…no need to speak…just two souls moving to the music…

awwww man….again?

SLAM! Like a baseball bat to my face…I did it again…I let myself trust a person, took him at his word and the mudda fucka took me for all he could…yup. Money he took, my child’s loyalty and, awww yeah….he took my home…fuckity fuck fuck. I feel such hate…and this is not like me at all. I tend toward forgiveness, tolerance. But, this time it’s gonna take me some time. He slithered in and conned my kid against me. He saw a single mom’s desperation and took advantage of it…and I hate him for it. And, I hate myself. I let him do this. I trusted him and allowed him to do the work I should have been doing. I should have been the one to set the structure in my home. A lie cannot work without their being two parties involved…the liar and the one believing the lie.

I know I will come out of this a better, stronger person. I know that no crime/sin goes unpunished…power of three…he will suffer the consequences of his actions. My hope is that one day I will look back and see myself as the warrior who became a better fighter because of him. And I will thank the Gods for his suffering.

The Search…repost….

There was a time I was without.
I searched far and wide
to find what I was missing.
I asked each person I met.
I begged for some clue.
I studied books,
I watched movies,
I listened to great speakers.
Many times I came very close
to finding what I was without.
Then, wouldn’t you know it,
I found it!
Where was this that I was without?
Why, it was within…

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moe-tif

one poet’s inner musings open to the outer world…